6th months later...

Hello long-forgotten blog!
I just went to my 6th month post-op appointment last week. The news is good...all is well with the vocal cords, even after 2 weeks of coughing! More alarming was the fact that 6 months has gone by since that momentous time of trusting and waiting and being carried by prayers and my community.

Of all the 6 month stretches in my 30 years, this past one has been filled with the most jolting highs and lows. After weeks of real sorrow at the beginning of this new year, I was overjoyed with the way God was reaching down and gripping me out of my pit through the strength of family, old friends, new friends, passions no longer on hold and His Word. But then, most recently, I was brought low once again. Something that should have been encouraging, sent me to despair, back to grieving the loss of the one I thought would forever hold my heart.

A few weeks ago I felt utterly lost. While on my walk to work, I wondered what the difference was between my life now and the giddy life I had in the fall. Certainly, a person and a relationship. But as I navigated the same windy path with all its familiar marquees and landmarks, I realized the core of what's gone is the dream of a life with someone, of building a future that is not just in my own hands. My dear friend reminded me I am building a future with that someone and that I can dream of my future with Jesus. It sounds cheezy, like the back-cover of one of those Bible Belt Christian self-help books, but it's true. I've been reflecting on 1 Peter 1:3-8 over the last 24 hours and I'm struck by so many things. The Lord wants to hold and direct our future and so wants us on the inside of his kingdom, of his peace and heart....those verses are dripping with INS!! "In his great mercy"...."into a living hope" "into an inheritance that can never perish.." "kept IN heaven", etc. And so even while we are suffering, we're still "in" with him, never on the outside of his love or gaze.

Now on the other side of the past 6 months marked by physical healing and wandering and rejoicing and leaning on one over the ONE I continue to be humbled and stripped down, plainly seeing my sin and the darkness that lies within me. But I can confidently say I also have hope and a future IN Christ Jesus, not because of my record but because of His.

"IN this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7