Thanksgiving

On Wednesday I spontaneously burst into tears anticipating a Thanksgiving apart from my family. I am now 31 years old. One would think I would be "grown-up" enough to not need my mommy's mashed potatoes at the end of every November.

This holiday, this year, however, seems to have brought up more heaviness than usual. I have spent several Thanksgivings with other families...with the Sulaymans a few times in Chicago and with my grandmother's side of the family in KY. Both locations were full of joy and love.

Last year's Turkey Day, however, is a stinging memory. I spent the holiday with my ex-boyfriend's family. I had then thought they would soon be my inlaws. Though in many ways our relationship was crumbling, the "happy clappy" shoe hadn't quite dropped and I traversed this different Thanksgiving as part of my new tradition. My family doesn't do "black friday", his family was in line at 3am. My family does broccoli, his did green bean casserole. My family does movies, his family does football. And on and on. That weekend was the last time that I saw any of his family, the family that I had prepped myself to love and enjoy, serve and blend into and this week's reminder of them bowled me over.

In the day to day, I feel I've managed to move on from the relationship well, but commercials for black friday coupons and aromas of turkey and stuffing proved more than I could handle. For the first time in months, I was tempted to make contact, to check in, to see how his brother's college applications were going and if he'd been up to the city to see "West Side Story" yet. I wanted to know if his sister was still dating that guy at the grocery store and to tell her that I got my hair straightened again. But these left-overs if you will, are the last pieces of hanging on to a past that God has carried me through. And I'm not meant to go back there.

I wished for a flight home to be with my REAL family, to re-write once again our traditions in my head and forget the stormy end to 2008. I wanted to drown myself in niece and nephew time and disengage with my future or chosen life. Expensive flights wouldn't allow it.

Instead I had a wonderful and full day of attempting the parade with Mon, pumpkin pancakes and bacon with Steph and Kevin and a Thanksgiving potluck with NYC orphans at Emily's. I might have been away from my family, but here I was creating new family, new memories and feeling full in every way.

I do long for the day when I'm not a single, not an orphan hopping from party to party. I long for my future husband's family to love and for new traditions to absorb. I look forward to caring for his family and not having to wonder about their future. I look forward to the forever. Until then, I'll make my own Cranberry Fluff, I'll call my family and get the entire menu detail from Grandma, giggle at pictures, ooh and ahh over Noe's latest outfit and thank God for the rich life He's given me as a single girl in the city.